Well dear friends, once more into the breech. March is supposed to be “in like a lion and out like a lamb” and it pretty much appears to have performed as usual. I didn’t see any tsunamis, excessive temperatures or flooding. I suppose the eco-freaks will have a well-reasoned answer and lots of charts and data to prove that the end is still nigh though.
Many thanks to all my readers who have sent in reports of “Strange Electricity” I am sifting through your stories and will get back to you as soon as I can. To enlarge on this theme though have any of you ever come across an electrical “Dead Zone” where electrical equipment just wont work properly? This is where your car key fob refuses to work or your cell-phone starts doing stupid things. I only have hearsay of the following but no references, so again would be grateful for any readers reports.
I have heard of motorists who have managed to start their cars after pushing the vehicles just a few metres out of the dead zone. I have even heard that a motorist stranded in this fashion called the AA who then conked out after entering this zone of malfunction. Apparently, the guy from the AA had encountered this before and knew the cure – push the vehicle out of the zone. I’ve had it happen to me on a couple of occasions and have been able to start the vehicle manually on the key and found normal key fob control resumed when out of the zone. My first thought on this would be telephone cell towers/masts creating an extremely strong electromagnetic field swamping out certain areas, but when I have experienced this I couldn’t see any masts nearby. Nonetheless, radio signals can be fickle and behave strangely, we use the ionosphere to bounce radio waves to our advantage, and Russian radar uses a high power low frequency pulse that hugs the earth and gives an “over the horizon” view. It could be just a property relating to the geology of a certain area. After all, pressure on a piezo crystal will produce a spark, this is what your “Click” cigarette lighter uses for ignition. Or, it could be some effect we just don’t as yet understand. Much to my surprise there are gravity maps of the world. Whereas I thought that gravity was constant, apparently it does vary around the globe (how they figure that out is a mystery to me as nobody actually knows what gravity is). So, I suppose it is equally possible that the Earth’s own magnetic field will vary globally as well. Blimey, as I used to say to my students; this is good shit isn’t it.
I will just throw in at this point that there are a couple of places in the world where cars roll uphill, or at least appear to. This may be down to some sort of illusion relating to local topography, but I think you need to experience this first-hand before you can comment. At the time writing of I am in Southampton and seem to be caught in a very large zone of malfunction. My laptop is nearly uncontrollable with the cursor jumping all over the screen in whatever application I open. Earlier today my phone decided to reset itself and has now completely locked me out. I would love to actively explore this phenomenon more but lack the time and equipment. If anybody wants to take up the gauntlet, I would be very interested to hear your findings (I’m sure there is a thesis and a 1:1 in there somewhere – or perhaps a visit from the MIB).
With the end of March, April strolls in, so the annual review with my accountant can’t be far away. I know that on occasion, dealings with HMRC can seem like a visit from the sheriff of Nottingham (holding me upside down and shaking me), but with a decent accountant to guide you through the process it seems quite fair to me that we contribute something back into society. And remember, you are a victim of your own success, you only pay a proportion of what you earn. So, if you don’t like paying tax, stop earning money.
Talking of earning money, I have been back on the road again this month with a vengeance. I have been to: Letchworth, Leicester, Witney, Northampton, Addlestone, Lymington, Southampton and Royston.
Now I know you will be waiting for Ted’s gripe of the month – but I’m going to have to disappoint you I’m afraid. I have nothing to complain about. My life is perfect.
Now, where was I? Oh yes, my family and my wife’s family are fantastic.
They are all intelligent, forthright, honest, noble and true. There is not one piss-taker, bullshitter, liar, dickhead or lily-livered frigging tosspot amongst them.
Stop. Hold on a minute. Just had to take a calm-down tablet. Where was I? Oh yes, I remember, life is beautiful, can you see the colours in the trees?
Adios mi Amigos y Amigas, hasta la pronto.